10 Ridiculous Hotel Perks You Won’t Believe

Swimsuit Vending Machine

If you ever find yourself at the beach without a bathing suit, The Standard Spa Miami Beach has you covered with its poolside swimsuit vending machine. But is a soda and snack dispenser really the best place to sell a bikini? Personally, I'd rather buy my swimwear from the hotel's gift shop, where I can see it from all angles, touch the fabric, and try it on for size. Because it's not a king-sized Snickers, it's clothing.

Luxury Bottled Water

Of all the items in the minibar, the overpriced, custom bottled water offered by some hotels might be the most outrageous. Slapping a fancy label on a plastic bottle and calling it "luxury water" does not justify a $10 charge—or, in the case of the Trump International in Chicago, $25 for spring water in a Swarovski-crystal-studded bottle. Even the generic-brand water offered at lower-end hotels can cost twice what you'd pay at the grocery store. Instead, take your money to one of many retailers selling travel water bottles with built-in purifiers—and never get water-gouged again.

Pet Perks

Don't get me wrong: I love animals of all kinds. But the trend of offering pet pampering so over-the-top that even Paris Hilton might refuse is taking "pet friendly" to another level. More and more, properties like the Monaco Hotel Portland, The Muse in New York City, and Topnotch Resort and Spa in Vermont are going the extra mile for their animal guests, with perks like human-and-pet side-by-side spa treatments, hard-hitting sessions with the hotel's pet psychic, Reiki massages, and gourmet dinners fancier than your own. While giving guests the opportunity to lavish attention on their pets is cute, sometimes it's better to let dogs be dogs.

Social-Media Butler

The social-media butler at the Loews Madison Hotel in Washington, D.C., had a job to do: take over your social-media accounts so you could take a tweetcation. Debuted in January in conjunction with a Presidential Inauguration package, the butler signed in and posted for guests on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest and even took profile-pic-worthy shots so guests wouldn't be burdened with fumbling for their phones when the moment presented itself. I'm just surprised that privacy concerns didn't rule out this outrageous amenity, which is no longer a part of any of the hotel's packages.

Vibe Manager

Everyone wants to have a good time on vacation, but employing a "Vibe Manager" solely for the purpose of keeping "a pulse on the feeling, atmosphere and energy at [the] hotel" might be overkill. Some Hard Rock hotels and The Ritz-Carlton, Palm Beach have made room for this connoisseur of vibe, paid to "be the social scene" at the properties by creating playlists and offering services as both a cigar and mixology expert. I appreciate the effort to be hip—and I recommend taking advantage of social events like the complimentary cocktail hours offered at many hotels—but guests might find it a bit pushy when their place of rest starts to feel like a nightclub.

Tennis-Ball Chaser And Sunglasses Cleaner

When you stay at the luxury resort Las Ventanas al Paraiso, the staff wants you to exercise—but not too hard. In case things get overly strenuous, an on-staff attendant is on hand to lightly spritz you with Evian mist, provide cold towels, clean your sunglasses, and take care of such annoying unpleasantries as chasing the tennis ball—because the whole "physical activity" part of exercising is such a drag.

Bath Butler

An exhausted hotel guest and a luxurious soak in the tub go hand-in-hand—but throw in a bath butler, and you've got a third-wheel situation that can get awkward fast. Hotels like The Ritz-Carlton, Boston Common are offering the services of a professional bath expert, equipped with a menu of bath services and skilled in the art of salts and soaps. But a hovering stranger—turning on your water, asking, "Is this is too hot? How about now?"—might deliver just the opposite of the relaxing evening you had in mind. Taking a bath is one thing I prefer to do on my own.

Underwater Speakers

The presence of underwater music is not something that I look for or even notice when I'm staying at a hotel, but I hear that submerged speakers are the hottest accessories in pool construction. Sure, the tunes in the pool at hotels like Seattle's Hyatt at Olive 8 might be a selling point for synchronized swimmers, but I don't need an underwater disco to convince me to splash around during a refreshing swim. Sometimes, less is more.

Fairy Godmother

I love Cinderella as much as the next person, but this amenity might be just a little too princessy. Barnsley Gardens Resort in Adairsville, Georgia, offers guests the services of a "Fairy Godmother" who can wave her magic wand and fill your room with balloons and roses or grant your wish for pretty much anything (for a price). She'll plan your romantic evening for you or even work out all the details for a picture-perfect marriage proposal. Her body of work has given her a reputation as a relationship fixer, so although this amenity might be a bit extravagant, nobody's complaining.

Sleep Concierge

Pillows are cropping up as hotel amenities everywhere, with fillings as extravagant as buckwheat hulls and as over-the-top as cold water and MP3 speakers. The next time you stay at a property like The Benjamin in New York City, you can make like The Princess and the Pea and select only the best for your extra-special head. Simply call in your sleep concierge, who is armed with a rolling cart of selections, test each pillow for suitability, and expect to sleep like nothing less than royalty.

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