10 Most Disturbing Travel Products Ever

Transit Seat Cover

Grossed out at the thought of sitting where thousands of other butts have sat before? Why not purchase the Transit Seat Cover, a veritable condom for your chair! The manufacturer encourages you to use this cover on airplanes, in vans, on boats, on buses, and in the theater, so you can look like an obsessive germophobe in the sky, in the water, and on land. On the bright side, whipping this product out anywhere that doesn't have assigned seats may discourage people from sitting next to you. The downside? It only covers the back of the chair and not the actual seat, which means you can still catch bedbugs (our number-one shared-seating fear) and it won't protect you from sitting in any spills.

GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion

Danish gastroenterologists recently released a 3,000-word study about farting on planes that was reportedly inspired by one researcher's experience with gassy passengers on a long-haul flight. The report concluded that flyers should let their farts fly freely, as holding them in can cause pain and indigestion. Too ashamed to break wind while trapped in an enclosed space with hundreds of strangers? Be free and socially polite with the GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion! This isn't just any old seat cushion—the GasBGon features a sound-dampening filter and a carbon odor filter. Don't worry, each cushion can fit two odor filters for those who need extra protection. Buy in basic black or cheekily named prints like "Musical Solo" and "Silent but Deadly."

The Cock Block

Don't enjoy getting groped by the TSA during a patdown? Or, more accurately, want to attract an in-depth search by concealing something suspicious inside your pants? Then the tastefully named Cock Block is the product for you! It's a "collapsible, resistant cup" designed to be worn over your private parts. Not to worry, ladies—simply snip along the provided female "cut lines" to make this product suitable for any gender. As comfortable as this sounds, you can make the situation even less comfortable by following the product's instructions, which "acknowledge that a TSA agent or other security person may ask to see your Cock Block during a pat down … gladly hand it over to them! Just make sure to say, 'Hey TSA! You've been cock blocked!'" (as you're hauled off to the special interrogation room for a cavity search).

Travel HoodiePillow

Do you find yourself sweating and clawing at your sweatshirt, wishing someone would invent a sweatshirt without all the unnecessary body fabric and cozy sleeves? Love neck pillows and hats but don't have space for both? Trying to work yourself up to the "no-shame level" that the Ostrich Pillow requires? The Travel HoodiePillow is the solution to all your problems! As the name indicates, it's a sweatshirt hood sewn onto an inflatable neck pillow. Wearing a suit on your business trip? Don't worry, with the HoodiePillow you'll still be all business from the neck down while you nap. Simply tug the drawstrings of this hoodie-only sweatshirt to pull the fabric over your eyes, and you'll be able to block out lights and mocking stares while you nap with your neck fully supported.

Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Ahhhh, here you are, all snug in your Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon, lying smugly on top of your dirty motel bed, safe from bedbugs, about to drift off to sleep … OH MY GOD THE BEDBUGS HAVE FOUND THE COCOON'S ONE VULNERABILTY, A MASSIVE HOLE FOR YOUR HEAD, AND NOW THEY'RE CRAWLING ON YOUR FACE. And probably laying eggs inside your mouth. And ears. But you should totally spend $79.99 on this glorified sleeping bag that will zip your hands inside and leave you immobilized and unable to defend yourself while bugs march down through the head hole and inside the sack, where they will be contained and feasting on you all night. Sweet dreams, SkyMall shopper!

BeltzBib

Is this what we've come to, America? Have we become a nation of road-tripping animals, so uncivilized that we literally need to wear feed bags like horses? Yes? Okay, then at least keep your clothes clean on the go with the BeltzBib. Simply Velcro (who has time for knots?) the yoke behind your seatbelt's shoulder harness (here's hoping it doesn't strangle you when you cause an accident fumbling for your scalding hot coffee to wash down your meal), insert your drive-through meal in the pouch, and eat with gusto. All the crumbs and your dignity will be collected on the bib and not your shirt.

Sanicare Travel Bidet

There's nothing worse than getting caught shorthanded in a bathroom without toilet paper—except for encountering a bathroom without a bidet. The horror! Don't let that happen to you. Instead, invest in a Sanicare Travel Bidet. This battery-operated glorified power hose takes care of all your bathroom clean-up needs with three different nozzles—one for "external" washing, one for "internal" washing, and one for "general" washing—all on the go! Don't worry, it also comes with a case so you can carry the dripping-wet bidet around in your purse or briefcase wherever you may travel!

$250 Sleep Mask

Sure, you may be in first class, but how can you let everyone else in first class know that you're better (richer) than they are? By donning a $250 sleep mask, that's how. Choose from White Ostrich, Grey Python, and Coral Red Python for the ultimate in Cruella de Vil-esque fashion.

StashCard

Thieves have it hard. First they have to break into a hotel room, and then they have to hunt around for your valuables, which may be scattered around the room. Make it easy for them by storing all your valuables inside your most expensive object—your laptop! The StashCard conceals your cash and irreplaceable items inside the last place thieves will look (but the first thing they'll steal). Simply put your items inside the StashCard and slide it into your laptop's PC-card slot, and kiss goodbye to all your valuables at once if you happen to get robbed on the road.

Little John Portable Urinal

Okay, we can sort of see how a portable urinal might be useful if you've got a desperate child, a traffic jam, no plastic bottles, and no time to stop (or if you're on a crazy diaper-astronaut type of road-trip mission). Mostly we're concerned by the Amazon reviews about the Little John Portable Urinal. Like the review that raves, "This worked well for me at home and while traveling. I used it in my car and on the airplane!" We're really hoping this was used by someone flying solo in their own private plane, rather than someone who didn't want to climb out of the middle seat on a commercial flight. If you are considering this for road trips, beware of the reviews bemoaning "sharp edges" and inadequate storage volume…

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• 10 Best-Reviewed Travel Products of 2012
• Nine Travel Products You Don't Really Need

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